Saying NO! and Setting Boundaries

Are you saying yes when you really want to say NO? Perhaps your boss or someone  from another department asks for more than you want to give? Perhaps your kids’ school asks you to volunteer for more than you have time or money to do? Your family? Your friends or neighbors? Is saying yes damaging you? Do you lose sleep, miss meals, and miss out on time with your kids /significant other?

Setting boundaries is not an easy action to take, but well worth the effort. Boundaries are those things you won’t allow others to do to you or around you; they are imaginary lines you draw around yourself. For example, I don’t allow people to hit me. By setting strong boundaries and saying no, you are  protecting your physical and emotional health and protecting your time with loved ones.

Boundaries are not standards, which deal with your own behavior, and they are  not requirements, which are needs.

If you fear people won’t like you or will be angry or disappointed in  you, the reverse is actually true. People will have more respect for you, and as your personal growth accelerates, you’ll be happier and will fear less what others think. On the other hand, when your boundaries are weak, you attract needy, disrespectful people who sap your energy.

How do you set up Boundaries?

Understand that you need them
Be willing to educate others on how to respect them
Be relentless, but not punitive, as you extend boundaries
Make a list of 10 things people may no longer do around you, do to you or  say to you
Sit down with each person involved and share your process; get their commitment  to honoring you
Demand that every single person in your life is always unconditionally constructive  in every single comment to you:
No more digs
No make-funs
No deprecating remarks
No criticisms
No matter what!!

Examples of Boundaries:

No obscene language
No hitting - even children
No last-minute canceling on plans
No ignoring me
No smoking
No drugs
No gossiping
No uncontrollable kids
No yelling at me
No sexist/racist jokes
No new-age music
7. Have and use a 4-step plan of action when someone violates your boundaries:

Inform them what they are doing
Request that they stop immediately
Demand they stop
Walk away without comment
8. Are you violating others’ boundaries?
9. Reward, congratulate those who are respecting your boundaries
WARNING: Be prepared for the fall-out! There may be people in your life now  who will ‘fall out’.

After that great start, make them bigger! Go from “Nobody may hit me”  to “Nobody may raise their voice to me”.

Keep at it! Once it becomes automatic, you will begin to feel a whole new respect  for yourself, and so will everyone else!

 
 
Audrey Burton, Small Business Coach, is “The Tigress”. Get her FREE monthly email newsletter at http://www.TigressCoaching.com.